| SCENE 1: ENGLAND, 932 A.D. |
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Characters:
Arthur: As in King Arthur.
Patsy: Arthur's servant. (i.e. horse sound effect machine)
Guards: Two of 'em, as in 1 and 2.
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[Arthur and Servant come hopping across the countryside with the coconuts
making the sound effect of horses' hooves.]
Arthur: WHOA THERE!
[More clopping up to the castle.]
Guard 1: HALT! Who goes there?
Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the castle of Camelot,
King of the Britons, Defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of All England!
Guard 1: Who is the other one?
Patsy: I am!
Arthur: And this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and
breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at
Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master!
Guard 1: What? Isn't that a horse?
Arthur: Yes.
Guard 1: You're using coconuts!
Arthur: What?
Guard 1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em
together!
Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land,
from
the Kindom of Mercia...
Guard 1: (interrupting) Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them!
Guard 1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard 1: Well, this is a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the housemartin or the
plumber may seek warmer climes in the winter, yet these are not strangers
to our
land!
Guard 1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?!
Arthur: Not at all! They could be carried.
Guard 1: What?! A swallow, carryin' a coconut?!
Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Guard 1: It's not a question of where he grips it, it's a simple
question of
weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut!
Arthur: Well it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that
Arthur
from the court of Camelot is here.
Guard 1: Listen, in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to
beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
Arthur: PLEASE!
Guard 1: Am I right?
Arthur: I'm not interested!
Guard 2: It could be carried by an African swallow...
Guard 1: Oh yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow,
that's
my point.
Guard 2: Oh yeah, I agree with that...
Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
Guard 2: ...but then of course, African swallows are non- migratory...
Guard 1: Aah yeah...
[Arthur leaves with his servant, clip-clopping his way into the distance.]
Guard 1: ...so they couldn't bring their coconut back anyway...
Guard 2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
Guard 1: No, they'd have to have it on a line...
Guard 2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Guard 1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Guard 2: Well why not???
| SCENE 2: BRING OUT YER DEAD! |
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Characters:
WM: Wheelbarrow Man. As in "Bring out yer dead!"
Client: One of the people bringing out his dead.
Dead: Well, he's not dead yet anyways...
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[Background FX: Many old, wearied voices groaning as though mourning, all
throughout this scene.]
WM: Bring out yer dead!
[about 12 times as various dead people are loaded onto the wheelbarrow,
clanging his triangle as a bell every once in a while.]
Client: Here's one...
WM: Ninepence...
Dead: I'm not dead!
WM: (quickly) What?
Client: (even more quickly) Nothing, here's yer ninepence...
Dead: I'm not dead!
WM: Hey, he says he's not dead!
Client: Yes he is
Dead: I'm not!
WM: He isn't?
Client: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill...
Dead: I'm getting better!
Client: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
WM: Well, I can't take him like that! It's against regulations!
Dead: I don't want to go on the cart...
Client: Oh, don't be such a baby!
WM: I can't take him.
Dead: I feel fine!
Client: Well do us a favour...
WM: I can't!
Client: Well can you wait around a couple of minutes, he won't be long.
WM: Aaw, I've gotta go on to Robinsons', they've lost nine today...
Client: Well when's your next round?
WM: Thursday.
Dead: I think I'll go for a walk...
Client: You're not foolin' anyone, you know...
[to WM] Look... Isn't there something you can do?
Dead: I feel happy! I feel happy!
[At this moment, WM clubs Mr. Dead over the head...]
Dead: UNGH! [collapses]
Client: Ah, thanks very much....
WM: Not at all...
Client: See ya on Thursday...
WM: Right!
Client: Right!
[Arthur rides past, his servant still clip-clopping his way along with the
coconuts...]
Peasant 1: Who's that there?
Peasant 2: I don't know... must be a king...
Peasant 1: Why?
Peasant 2: He hasn't got shit all over him.
| SCENE 3: JUST BECAUSE SOME WATERY TART... |
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Characters:
Peasants: As in 1 and 2, for the first bit.
Arthur: Still King of the Britons, but having trouble convincing...
Dennis: ...the political thinker...
Woman: ...and the woman who's working in the fields with him at
the time.
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[We play the usual fanfare music we all know and love...]
Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry... What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37!
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37, I'm not old!
Arthur: Well I can't just call you "Man"...
Dennis: You could say "Dennis"...
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from behind you looked...
Dennis: (interrupting) What I object to is your automatically treatin'
me like
an inferior!
Arthur: Well I AM king...
Dennis: Oh, King, eh? Oh, very nice... And how'd you get that, eh? By
exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which
perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If
there's ever
gonna be any progress in our society...
Woman: Denny, there's some lovely filth down here!
[Noticing Arthur] Oh! How d'you do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose
castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
Arthur: The Britons.
Woman: Who are the Britons?
Arthur: Well we all are... We are all Britons... And I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we had a king... I thought we were an autonomous
collective.
Dennis: You're foolin' yourself. We're livin' in a dictatorship! A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes...
Woman: (interrupting) Oh there you go, bringing class into it again...
Dennis: That's what it's all about! If only people would...
Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that
castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-cynicalist commune. We take it in
turns
to sort of act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a
special bi-weekly meeting...
Arthur: Yes I see.
Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: But by a 2/3 majority in the case of more major...
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine
providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: (interrupting) Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin'
swords
is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives
from a
mandate from the masses, not from some farcicial aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: Oh but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
because
some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: SHUT UP!
Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some
moistened bink lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP! [Grabs Dennis]
Dennis: Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: SHUT UP!
Dennis: Oh, come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help!
Help! I'm
being repressed!
Arthur: (muttering) Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?
That's
what I'm on about! Did you see him repressin' me? You saw it, didn't you?
| SCENE 4: NONE SHALL PASS! |
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Characters:
TBK: The Black Knight.
Victim: The person he's fighting at the start of the scene. Very small
part.
Arthur: King of the Britons, REALLY!
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[The usual theme music plays again, until interrupted by...]
AAAAUGH!
[...and plays for a few more bars, stopping again for another...]
AAAAAAARRGGGHHHH!
[...and so on. After a while, the theme song dies off and is replaced
entirely by the sounds of two men battling in a deserted corner of the
forest...]
TBK and Victim: [Various sounds of combat, armor and sword clanking
against each other, etc... A particularly good groan as TBK
gives
the Victim a really good kick in the nuts... And finally,
TBK gets a good hit in, sending his sword through the
Victim's head.]
Victim: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! [Dies, blood spurting everywhere...]
[As TBK pulls out his sword, Arthur arrives (we'll omit the servant from now
on, since we know damn well he's gotta be there or we wouldn't know
Arthur was coming!]
Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
TBK: [silence]
Arthur: (After a few seconds) I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
TBK: [more silence]
Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in
my court at Camelot.
TBK: [still more silence]
Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy! Will you join me?
TBK: [and more silence on top of that]
Arthur: You make me sad. So be it.
[motioning to servant] Come, Patsy!
TBK: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: What?
TBK: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this
bridge.
TBK: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
TBK: I MOVE... FOR NO MAN.
Arthur: So be it! [draws sword]
[Battle-type music plays as the two start duking it out with swords,
dying off
abruptly as Arthur slices off the Black Knight's arm.]
Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
TBK: 'Tis but a scratch.
Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
TBK: No it isn't.
Arthur: Well what's that, then? [Indicating arm on ground]
TBK: I've had worse.
Arthur: You liar!
TBK: Come on, ya pansy!
[More combat - Arthur hacks off the other arm.]
Arthur: Victory is mine!
[Kneeling and praying] We thank Thee, Lord, that in thy mercy...
TBK: [Kicks at Arthur] HAAAAAA! [Arthur deflects the blow with his
helmet] Come on, then... Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!
TBK: Oh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
TBK: Yes I have.
Arthur: LOOK! [Indicating other arm on ground]
TBK: It's just a flesh wound. [Gives Arthur a hoof in the ass]
Arthur: Look, stop that!
TBK: [Still kicking Arthur] Chicken! Chicken!
Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg!
TBK: [Kicks Arthur again]
Arthur: RIGHT! [Hacks off a leg]
TBK: Right! I'll do you for that!
Arthur: You'll what?
TBK: Come here!
Arthur: What're you gonna do, bleed on me?
TBK: I'M INVINCIBLE!
Arthur: You're a looney...
TBK: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!
Arthur: Come on, then... [Hacks off the other leg. TBK falls down to the
ground, limbless and bleeding]
TBK: Alright, we'll call it a draw...
Arthur: Come, Patsy... [they walk away]
TBK: Oh, oh, I see, runnin' away, eh? YOU YELLOW BASTARD! Come back
here and take what's comin' to you! I'll bite your legs off!
| SCENE 5: BURN THE WITCH! |
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Characters:
Monks: Who know some Latin chants.
Vil: As in Villagers 1,2,3...
Crowd: The spectators watching the "trial".
Witch: Well, she's not a witch, but they don't know that.
Bedevere: As in Sir Bedevere, the logician in the scene...
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[We see Bedevere holding a swallow and a coconut, looking quizically at the
two items, as though on the verge of a great discovery. The Monks enter,
singing a Gregorian chant, bashing their heads with their books after each
line as they go through "Dona eis Requiem"...
As they proceed through the village, we are drawn to the sounds of many
people crying "A Witch! Witch! Burn the witch!", and so on...]
Vil 1: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Crowd: [Burn the witch, etc...]
Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch?
Vil 1: She looks like one!
Crowd: [General shouts of approval]
Bedevere: Bring her forward... [Crowd quiets down]
[A young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform.
She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her
nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose
is closed by the carrot.]
Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Bedevere: But you are dressed as one.
Witch: THEY dressed me up like this...
Crowd: [general cries of denial]
Witch: ...and this isn't my nose, it's a false one! [Bedevere removes nose]
Bedevere: (after a few seconds' pause) Well?
Vil 1: Well we did do the nose.
Bedevere: The nose?
Vil 1: And the hat...
Vil 2: But she's a witch!
Crowd: Yeah! Can we burn her? [More shouting for a few moments]
Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Vil 1: NO!
Vil 2: No.
Vil 3: No...
Vil 1: Yes...
Vil 2: Yes.
Vil 3: A bit...
Vil 1: She has got a wart!
Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Vil 2: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Vil 2: I got better...
Vil 3: Burn her anyway!
Crowd: [Burn her! More shouting of approval]
Bedevere: Quiet... Quiet... Quiet! Quiet!
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch...
Vil 1: Are there? Well then tell us!
Bedevere: Well then, tell me... What do you do with witches?
Crowd: BUUUUURN THEM! BURN THEM UP!
Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Vil 1: WARWITCHES! [Gets elbowed by Vil 2]
Vil 3: Wood!
Bedevere: So... why do witches burn?
Vil 2: (After several seconds of puzzling) Be...
(After several more seconds) ...because they're made of wood?
Bedevere: Goooood...
Crowd: [A few voices murmur approval and fascination]
Bedevere: So how do we tell if she is made of wood?
Vil 1: Build a bridge out of her!
Bedevere: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Vil 1: Oh yeah...
Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Vil 2: No... No! It floats!
Vil 1: Throw 'er into the pond!
Crowd: [Screams of triumph and approval]
Bedevere: What also floats in water?
Vil 1: Bread!
Vil 3: Apples!
Vil 2: Uh, very small rocks!
Vil 1: Cider!
Vil 3: Great Gravy!
Vil 2: Cherries!
Vil 1: Mud!
Vil 2: Churches! Churches!
Vil 1: Lead! Lead!
Arthur: A duck!
Crowd: [Ooohs and aaahs of amazement at the revelation they've just heard]
Bedevere: Exactly!
Vil 1: (Having trouble figuring it out) So... Logically... If she... weighs
the same as a duck... she's made of wood!
Bedevere: And therefore...
Vil 3: ...A WITCH!
Crowd: [BURN THE WITCH! More general screaming of approval]
Bedevere: [Taking a duck from one of the villagers] We shall use my largest
scales...
Crowd: [Screams approval as they move to the scales]
Bedevere: [With the duck on one end of the scales and the "witch" on the
other side]
Right!
[A villager grabs an axe and cuts the rope, releasing the scales. They level
out, indicating that the "witch" does, in fact, weigh the same as a duck.]
Witch: It's a fair cop...
Crowd: A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN HER! [etc...]
[Arthur approaches Bedevere as they take the woman away...]
Bedevere: Who are you, that you are so wise in the ways of science?
Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bedevere: (Kneeling) My liege!
Arthur: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the
Round Table?
Bedevere: My liege, I would be honoured!
Arthur: What is your name?
Bedevere: Bedevere, my liege.
[Fanfares play for the upcoming ceremony and narrative]
Arthur: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table!
| SCENE 6: THE BOOK OF THE FILM |
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Characters:
Narrator: Someone's gotta read it...
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[Fanfare continues as a hand flips the pages of the Book of the Film...]
Narrator: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's Knights,
but other illustrious names were soon to follow.
Sir Lancelot, the Brave.
Sir Galahad, the Pure.
And Sir Robin, the not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir Lancelot, who had
nearly fought the Dragon of Angor, who had nearly stood up to the
vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at
the Battle of Badon Hill.
And the aptly named... Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be
retold throughout the centuries... the Knights of the Round Table.
| SCENE 7: IT IS A SILLY PLACE |
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Characters:
Narrator: For the opening of the scene.
Arthur: Accompanied by...
The Knights of the Round Table: A whole batch of 'em at Camelot.
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Bedevere: ...And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be bannana-
shaped...
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how
sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes...
Bedevere: Oh, certainly, sir.
Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[Fanfare plays as we see Camelot for the first time.]
Launcelot: Camelot!
Robin: Camelot!
Galahad: Camelot!
Patsy: (whispered) It's only a model.
Galahad: Shh!
Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...to
CAMELOT!
[Music starts - general rowdiness, table-dancing, chicken-throwing, etc., as
the following song is sung and tap-danced to...]
We're knights of the round table, we dance when we're able.
We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable;
We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot!
We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able
Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able
We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot!
Though we're tough and able, quite in-de-fa-ti-gable,
Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable,
Its a busy life in Camelot:
[Deep voice, slowly] I have to push the pram-a-lot!
Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Party: Alright...
[All ride off]
| SCENE 8: A BLESSING FROM THE LORD |
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Characters:
Narrator: For the opening of the scene.
Arthur: Accompanied by...
The Knights of the Round Table: All of 'em.
God: Gee, I wonder who that is...
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[The party is riding along when the sky is split by a massive thunderclap.
Everyone looks up to see a face in the clouds...]
God: Arthur... Arthur! King of the Britons!
[Arthur kneels in reverence]
Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand it's people
grovelling!
Arthur: (stands up) Sorry...
God: ...And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's
"sorry
this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy..."
What're you doing now?
Arthur: Averting my eyes, O Lord...
God: Well DON'T! It's like those miserable psalms, they're so depressing!
Now knock it off!
Arthur: Yes, Lord!
God: Right. Arthur... King of the Britons... Your Knights of the Round
Table
shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times...
Arthur: Good idea, O Lord!
God: 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!
Behold, Arthur. This is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is
your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur...
The Quest for the Holy Grail!
Lancelot: A blessing... A blessing from the Lord.
Galahad: God be praised!
| SCENE 9: I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION! |
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Characters:
Arthur and the Knights, with their...
Servants: And two servants as targets for...
Guard: This time a French Guard. With an "outrageous accent"...
Guard 2: The first one has to have someone to talk to.
Cow: Take my word for it, you'll need a cow.
Rabbit: Oh yeah, and a Trojan Rabbit.
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[A few moments of musical interlude, followed by the "usual" theme for the
party riding. The party enters, with all their servants equipped with
coconuts for horse effects... They ride up to a large castle and stop.]
Arthur: HALT! [All party members stop]
Arthur: Hello... [Patsy blows horn]
Arthur: (louder) Helloooooo.....
Guard: 'Allo... 'Oo is it?
Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table.
Whose castle is this?
Guard: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombarde!
Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a
sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the
night, he
can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
Guard: Well, I'll ask 'im but I don't think 'e'll be very keen... Uh, 'e's
already got one, you see?
Arthur: What???
Lancelot: He says they've already got one!
Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?
Guard: Oh yes, it's ver' naaiice...
[to other guards behind rampart] I told 'em we've already got one!
[other guards snicker]
Arthur: Well, um... Can we come up and have a look?
Guard: Of course not! You are English types!
Arthur: Well what are you, then?
Guard: Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this outrrrraaaageous accent,
you silly king?
Lancelot: What are you doing in England?
Guard: Mind your own business!
Arthur: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by
force!
Guard: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms,
sons of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur
king! You and all your silly English k-nnnnnn-ighuts!
[Pttttht! Bangs head on helmet, makes faces, and sticks out his
tongue at the party]
Lancelot: What a strange person!
Arthur: Now look here, my good man...
Guard: Ah don't wanna talk to you anymore, you empty-headed animal
food-trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your
mother was a
hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!
Galahad: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Guard: NO! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
Arthur: Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable...
Guard: (To other guard) Fetchez-moi la vache...
Guard 2: What?
Guard: Fetchez la vache!
Arthur: ...if you do not agree to my commands, I shall...
[SPROING! A cow comes flying from a catapult over the ramparts towards
the party...]
Servant: AAAAAAAAAH! [SPLAT! Cow lands on him]
Arthur: RIGHT. CHAAAAARGGE!
Party: CHAAARGE!
[The party charges the castle amidst a barrage of catapult-propelled
livestock and vegetables]
Guard: 'Ey, this one is for your mother... [throws a duck off the rampart]
Party: Run away! Run away! Run away!
Lancelot: (Now at a safe distance) ...the fiends, I'll tear them apart!
Bedevere: Sir... I have a plan...
[That night, the air is filled with the sounds of saws and hammers working
away at wood to construct a gigantic rabbit, which is then rolled up to the
front doors of the castle and left until morning...
The doors open, and a couple of confused French guards speak of "un
cadeau!" and roll the giant wooden rabbit into the castle. We rejoin the
party who are now hiding behind a grassy knoll.]
Arthur: What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad and I wait until nightfall, and then
leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not
only by
surprise, but totally unarmed!
Arthur: Who leaps out?
Bedevere: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I... (pauses, feeling uneasy)
...leap out of the rabbit... and... (Finally realizes why)
er... uh... oh... (Comes up with another plan)
Look, uh, if we built this large wooden badger...
[SPROING! The Trojan Rabbit comes flying over the ramparts just like the
cow did the other day...]
Party: Run away! Run away! Run away!
Servant: [Another servant is squashed by the French catapult equipment...]
| SCENE 10: THE HISTORIAN SCENE |
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Characters:
Director: Of a historical documentary
Frank: Narrator of a historical documentary. i.e. a historian.
Wife: His wife. Soon to be his widow.
Rider: A Knight of the Round Table, galloping by on a horse (a real one).
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
Director: ...Take eight... Action!
Frank: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise,
and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy had to be tried
if the
Quest for the Holy Grail were to come to a successful conclusion.
Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they
should
separate and search for the Grail individually. So this is what they
did.
Rider: OHO!!! [Neatly kills the historian]
Wife: (in terror) FRANK!
| SCENE 11: THE TALE OF SIR ROBIN |
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Characters:
Narrator: A new one now...
Robin: As in "Brave Sir Robin"
Minstrels: One singer, and a couple of musicians...
Dennis: The political one from several scenes back...
Woman: ...and his friend...
3-Heads: The 3-headed man.
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Narrator: So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode
north, through the Forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite
minstrels...
Singer: Bravely, bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot,
He was not afraid to die - Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin...
He was not in the least upset to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin...
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off,
And his peni --
Robin: (interrupting) Lads... Lads, that's enough music for now, lads...
Looks like there's dirty work afoot...
[In background, Robin overhears Dennis and the Woman still arguing politics]
Dennis: ...Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom...
Woman: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom, how about that mud...
3-Heads: HALT! Who are you?
Minstrels: He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...
Robin: SHUT UP!
[to 3-Heads] Umm, nobody really, I'm just... just passing through...
3-Heads: What do you want?
Minstrels: To Fiiiight, and...
Robin: SHUT UP!
[to 3-Heads] Umm, oh, nothing really, just to umm... umm... pass
through, good Sir Knight...
3-Heads: I'm afraid not...
Robin: Well, uh, actually, I am a Knight of the Round Table...
3-Heads: You're a Knight of the Round Table?!
Robin: I am.
Head 1: In that case I shall have to kill you.
Head 2: Shall I?
Head 3: Oh, I don't think so.
Head 2: What do I think?
Head 1: I think kill him.
Head 3: Oh, let's be nice to him...
Head 1: Oh, Shut up.
Head 2: What?
Head 3: And you!
Head 1: Quick! Get the sword out, I want to cut his head off!
Head 3: Oh, cut your own head off!
Head 2: Yeah, do us all a favour!
Head 1: What?
Head 3: Yapping on all the time...
Head 2: You're lucky, you're not next to him!
Head 3: What do you mean?
Head 2: (to Head 1) You snore!
Head 1: Oh, I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath!
Head 2: Well it's only 'cause you don't brush my teeth!
Head 3: Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea!
Head 1: All right, all right! We'll kill him first, and then have tea and
biscuits...
Head 2: Yes!
Head 3: Oh, not biscuits...
Head 1: All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway!
Heads 2 and 3: (Together) Right!
Head 1: [looking around for Sir Robin] He's buggered off!
Head 2: So he has...
[We now return to Sir Robin, who's having some trouble with his Minstrels...]
Minstrels: Robin:
Brave Sir Robin ran away. No!
Bravely ran away away.... I didnt!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled No!!
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didnt!
And gallantly he chickened out..
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat...
Bravely bravely bravely bravely I never did!
Bravely bravely bravely bravely All lies!
Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin! I never!
[Minstrels continue singing as they move off into the distance...]
| SCENE 12: THE TALE OF SIR GALAHAD |
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Characters:
Galahad: The Chaste, who is still chaste at the end of this scene
thanks to:
Lancelot: ...who rescues him from near-certain temptation.
Zoot: Wicked, bad, naughty, bad, evil Zoot...
Nurses: Two nurses for the start of the scene and then midway through.
Inge: Zoot's twin sister, for the end of the scene.
All: Referring to the other 156 ladies of Castle Anthrax...
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[Thunder crashes as Sir Galahad crawls, covered in mud, up to a castle,
overtop of which he sees a vision of the Holy Grail]
Galahad: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of King Arthur, open
the door! [pounds door]
[The door opens, Galahad falls to the floor, and is taken inside.]
Zoot: Welcome, gentle sir knight... Welcome to the Castle Anthrax!
Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes... It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice... And
we will attend to your every, every need...
Galahad: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
Zoot: The what?
Galahad: The Grail! It is here...
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while...
Nurses: Yes, Zoot?
Zoot: Prepare a bed for our guest...
Nurses: Thank you... Thank you... Thank you...
Zoot: Away, away... The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big...
Galahad: Well, I, uh... I, uh...
Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight?
Galahad: Sir Galahad... the Chaste...
Zoot: Mine is Zoot. Just... Zoot. Oh, but come... [takes him away]
Galahad: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much... you are delirious...
Galahad: Look, I have seen it, it is here...
Zoot: Galahad, you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality...
Galahad: Well, I, I, uh...
Zoot: Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to
yours... We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all
between
the ages of 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to
protect us.
Oh, it is a lonely life, bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting
exciting underwear... we are just not used to handsome knights...
[Galahad moves to escape]
Nay, nay... Come, come, you may lie here...
[Noticing a wound on his leg]
Oh, but you are wounded!
Galahad: (embarassed) No, no, it's nothing...
Zoot: But you must see the doctors immediately!
[Galahad tries to get up] No, no... Lie down...
[claps hands twice to summon "doctors"]
Nurse 1: Ah, what seems to be the trouble?
Galahad: They're doctors?!
Zoot: Uh, they... have a basic medical training...
Zoot: [Galahad moves again to escape] Oh, come, come... you must try to
rest...
Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art...
[Galahad gets rather nervous as they remove his armor...]
Nurse 1: Try to relax...
Galahad: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Nurse 1: We must... examine you...
Galahad: There's nothing wrong with that!
Nurse 1: Please... we are doctors...
Galahad: Ack! This cannot be! I am sworn to chastity!
Nurse 1: Back to your bed at once!
Galahad: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
Nurse 2: (Trying to remove Galahad's pants) No Grail here...
Galahad: I have seen it! I have seen it! [Rushes into the next room, which
is filled with more females...]
All: [General oohs and aahs - they're impressed...]
Galahad: (Surprised) Oh...
All: [They mill about him saying "Hello" in rather seductive voices as he
makes his way across the room]
Galahad: Zoot!
Inge: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Inge.
Galahad: Oh... well, excuse me...
Inge: Why are you going?
Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it! Here, in this castle!
Inge: No... Oh no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Galahad: What is it?
Inge: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our
beacon, which, I've just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
first time we've had this problem...
Galahad: It's not the real Grail?
Inge: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she's a naughty person, and
she must pay her penalty... And here in Castle Anthrax, we have
but one
punishment for setting light to grail-shaped beacons:
You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her.
All: A spanking! A spanking!
Inge: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal
with her as you like...
And then...
...spank me!
All: And me! And me too! And me!
Inge: Yes! Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
All: [General shouts of glee and anticipation]
Inge: And after the spanking, the oral sex!
All: [More shouts of glee and anticipation]
Galahad: Well I could stay a bit longer...
[At this moment, the door bursts open and Sir Lancelot enters.]
Lancelot: Sir Galahad!
Galahad: Oh, hello!
Lancelot: Quick!
Galahad: What?
Lancelot: Quick!
Galahad: Why?
Lancelot: You are in great peril!
Inge: No he isn't!
Lancelot: Silence, foul temptress!
Galahad: Look, it's not important...
Lancelot: Come on, we will cover your escape!
Galahad: No, I'm fine!
[As they start to leave] Look, I can tackle this lot
single-handed!
All: Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!
Lancelot: Don't even think of it!
Galahad: No, really! Honestly, I can cope! I can handle this with ease...
All: Oh, yes, let him handle us...
Galahad: Please, please, I can defeat them! There's only 150 of them!
All: Yes, you can defeat us easily!!! We haven't a chance!
[Galahad is dragged, screaming, out of the room by Lancelot...]
All: Oh, oh... oh... Oh, shit.
[Meanwhile, outside the room]
Lancelot: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril!
Galahad: I don't think I was!
Lancelot: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril!
Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril...
Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Galahad: Look, I't's my duty as a knight to find as much peril as I can!
Lancelot: No, we've gotta find the Holy Grail, come on...
Galahad: Well let me have just a little bit of peril?
Lancelot: No, it's unhealthy...
Galahad: I'll bet you're gay!
Lancelot: No I'm not...
[They continue arguing as they leave the castle behind...]
| SCENE 13: A CLUE |
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Characters:
Narrator: To narrate...
Arthur: King of the Britons, eh?
Old Man: Someone who holds the clue mentioned in the scene title...
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Narrator: ...Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
temptation, but they were still no nearer the Holy Grail.
Meanwhile, not more than a swallow's flight away, Arthur and Sir
Bedevere, had discovered something.
Oh, that's an unladen swallow's, quite obviously. I mean they
were
more than two laden swallow's flights away. Four, really, if they
had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were
walking, and dragging...
Movie Audience: GET ON WITH IT!
Narrator: Oh, anyway, on to scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some
lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue. And in
which there aren't any swallows, but I think there may be a
starling or two, and UUNGH!
[Sacked by audience]
Old Man: [Cackles madly]
Arthur: ...and this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?
Old Man: [More cackling]
Arthur: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
Old Man: He knows of a cave... A cave which no man has entered...
Arthur: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
Old Man: There is much danger... For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of
Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed...
Arthur: But the Grail... Where is the Grail?
Old Man: Seek ye the Bridge of Death...
Arthur: The Bridge of Death which leads to the Grail?
Old Man: [cackles madly and vanishes into thin air...]
| SCENE 14: THE KNIGHTS OF NI (Part I) |
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Characters:
Arthur: Yes, we know he's King of the Britons, get on with it!
Bedevere: As in Sir Bedevere.
Knights of Ni: As in #1 (the leader) and #2 (someone who's not their leader)
All: This time it's the assembly of the Knights of Ni...
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[Arthur and Bedevere have just been teleported by the old man into a forest
filled with eerie music... when they are suddenly set upon by... well,
you'll
find out who they are any second now...]
All: NI! NI! NI!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight 1: We are the Knights who say (pause for effect) NI!
Arthur: No! Not the Knights who say Ni!
Knight 1: The same...
Knight 2: Who are we?
Knight 1: We are the keepers of the sacred words... NI, PANG, and NEEE-
WOMM!
Arthur: Those who hear those words seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight 1: The Knights who say Ni demand a sacrifice!
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter
who lives beyond these woods...
All: NI! NI! NI!
Arthur: Ouch! Oh! Stop!
Knight 1: We shall say "Ni" again to you if you do not appease us...
Arthur: What is it you want?
Knight 1: We want... (pause for more effect) ...a SHRUBBERY!
[A loud ominous-sounding note should sound here...]
Arthur: A what?
All: NI! NI! NI!
Arthur: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery!
Knight 1: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive!
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery...
Knight 1: One that looks nice...
Arthur: Of course!
Knight 1: And not too expensive...
Arthur: Yes!
Knight 1: Now... (pause for still more effect) GO!
[Fanfare plays as they ride off, after which there is a bit of Pythonimation
for variety, ushering us into...]
| SCENE 15: THE TALE OF SIR LANCELOT |
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Characters:
Herbert: The Singing Artsie... Son of...
Egbert: The Father who wants him to get married today.
Guards: 2 Guards, with the combined brains of an eggplant, are needed.
Lancelot As in Sir Lancelot.
Concorde: His servant / horse.
Guests: 2 guests with speaking parts, and
Other Guests: Everyone else at the wedding...
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Egbert: One day, lad, all this will be yours...
Herbert: What, the curtains?
Egbert: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out o'er
the hills and valleys of this land... That'll be your kingdom, lad.
Herbert: But Mother...
Egbert: Father!
Herbert: But Father, I don't want any of that!
Egbert: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothin'. When I started,
here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build
a castle in the swamp, But I built it all the same, just to show
'em!
It sank into the swamp, so I built a second one.
That sank into the swamp, so I built a third one! That burned down,
fell over, and then sank into the swamp!
But the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get,
lad,
the strongest castle in these isles!
Herbert: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather...
Egbert: Rather what?
Herbert: I'd rather... just... Sing! [music comes up]
Egbert: Stop that, stop that! [music slows down and stops] You're not
going
into a song while I'm here. Now listen. In twenty minutes, you're
getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of
open land in Britain.
Herbert: But I don't want land...
Egbert: Listen... Alex...
Herbert: Herbert.
Egbert: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can
get!
Herbert: But... But I don't like her!
Egbert: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's
rich,
she's got huge... tracts of land...
Herbert: I know... But I want the girl that I marry... to have a certain...
[music comes up again] ...special sort of...
Egbert: Cut that out! Cut that out! [Music dies off]
You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the
idea!
Guards! Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come
and get him.
Guard 1: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.
Guard 2: Hic!
Egbert: No, no... Until I come and get him.
Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Egbert: No, look, look... You... stay in the room, and make sure he doesn't
leave.
Guard 1: And you'll come and get him.
Guard 2: Hic!
Egbert: Right.
Guard 1: We don't need anything apart from just stop him entering the
room.
Egbert: No, look... Leaving the room.
Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes.
Egbert: Alright?
Guard 1: Right.
Egbert: Alright.
Guard 1: Oh, if, if, if, uh... if, if, uh, if, if, if we...
Egbert: Look. It's quite simple. You just stay here and make sure he
doesn't leave the room... Alright?
Guard 2: Hic!
Guard 1: Oh, I remember... Uh, can he leave the room with us?
Egbert: Look... no, no, look... You just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously! But if we have to
leave,
and ...
Egbert: (interrupting) Look, just keep him in here...
Guard 1: ...Until you, or anyone else...
Egbert: No, not anyone else, just me...
Guard 1: ...Just you...
Guard 2: Hic!
Egbert: ...get back.
Guard 1: Get back.
Egbert: Right?
Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
Guard 2: Hic!
Egbert: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard 1: What?
Egbert: (pausing) Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard 1: The prince?
Egbert: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him! [Indicating
Guard 2.]
You know it seemed a bit daft for me to have to guard him when he's
a guard!
Egbert: Is that clear?
Guard 2: Hic!
Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems...
Guard 1: Right.
[Egbert leaves, followed by his guards.]
Egbert: Where're you going?
Guard 1: Hey Egbert, we're comin' with you!
Egbert: No, no, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave!
Guard 1: Oh, I see, right...
Herbert: But Father...
Egbert: Shut your mouth, you, and get that suit on!
[music comes up] ...and NO SINGING! [music dies down]
Guard 2: Hic!
Egbert: Oh, go and get a glass of water!
[After his father leaves, Herbert writes a note on a piece of paper, attaches
it to an arrow, and fires it out the window when the guards aren't looking.
We switch to Lancelot, who is riding piggy-back on his "horse", crossing a
stream...]
Lancelot: Well taken, Concorde!
Concorde: Thank you, sir! Most kind!
Lancelot: And again! Oooover we go! Good... Steady... And now, the big
one!
Come on, Concorde!
[Twannnnng! Concorde is hit by an arrow with a note on it.]
Concorde: (grimacing) Message for you, sir! [collapses]
Lancelot: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me!
Concorde: [silence]
Lancelot: (reading note) To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned
by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please,
please, please, come and rescue me! I am in the tallest tower of
Swamp Castle!
At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that
leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not
have died in vain!
Concorde: Uh... I'm not quite dead, sir!
Lancelot: Well you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
Concorde: I... I... I think I... I think I could pull through, sir!
Lancelot: Oh, I see...
Concorde: Actually I think I'm alright to come with you, sir...
Lancelot: No no, sweet Concorde, stay here! I will send help as soon as
I've
accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular...
uh...
Concorde: Idiom, sir?
Lancelot: Idiom!
Concorde: No, I feel fine, actually...
Lancelot: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
Concorde: I'll uh... I'll just stay here then, shall I, sir?
[Lancelot is long gone towards Swamp Castle...
The scene switches to the bridal chamber, where the bride is being catered
to by the bridesmaids. And boy, is she ugly... heh-heh! Meanwhile in the
castle courtyard, people are milling about, greeting each other, and the
celebrations have already begun, well in advance of the ceremony.
Drums roll as we see Sir Lancelot, running full-tilt from the forest,
straight towards the castle...
...switch between these scenes several times, until finally he arrives...
At which point he promptly slaughters the first guards at the door, smashes
his way into the courtyard, and yelling maniacally, slaughters everybody
that stands between himself and the tower. i.e. The wedding guests,
including much of the bridal party. Upon reaching the tower...]
Lancelot: HAAAAAAA!
Guard 1: Now you're not allowed to interfere... AAARRRGH!!!... [is
stabbed by
Lancelot.]
Lancelot: [Kneeling before Herbert] O fair one, behold your humble servant,
Sir Lancelot of Camelot. I have come to take you...
[noticing it's Herbert, continuing in the same breath, with...]
...Oh I'm terribly sorry...
Herbert: You got my note!
Lancelot: Uh, well, I... I got, uh... "A" note...
Herbert: You've come to rescue me!
Lancelot: Uh, well, no... You see...
Herbert: I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there... There
must be... someone... [music comes up]
Egbert: (rushing in) Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! [music dies
back down again] Who are you?
Herbert: I'm your son!
Egbert: No, not you!
Lancelot: Uh, I am Sir Lancelot, sir.
Herbert: He's come to rescue me, Father!
Lancelot: Now let's not jump to conclusions...
Egbert: Did you kill all those guards?
Lancelot: Uh... Oh, yes... Sorry...
Egbert: They cost fifty pounds each!
Lancelot: Well I'm awfully sorry, I'm uh...
Herbert: Don't be afraid, Sir Lancelot! I've got a rope all ready!
Egbert: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
Lancelot: Well, now, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady...
Egbert: I can understand that!
Herbert: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! [Crawling out the window on a rope
made from bedsheets tied together]
Egbert: You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
Lancelot: Well I really didn't mean to?
Egbert: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
Lancelot: Oh, dear, is he all right?
Egbert: You even kicked the bride in the chest! It's gonna cost me a
fortune!
Lancelot: Well I can explain... I was in the forest, um, riding north from
Camelot, when I got this note...
Egbert: Camelot? Are you from, Camelot?
Herbert: Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
Lancelot: Uh, I am a knight of King Arthur, sir...
Egbert: Very nice castle, Camelot... Very good pig country...
Lancelot: Is it?
Herbert: Hurry! I'm ready!
Egbert: Would you, uh, like to come have a drink?
Lancelot: Well, uh... That's uh... awfully nice of you...
Herbert: I am ready!
Lancelot: ...I mean, to be so understanding...
In fact when I'm in this idiom I sometimes get a bit uh...
sort of
carried away...
Egbert: Oh, don't worry about that...
[Cuts rope - Herbert falls out the window]
Herbert: [Splut.]
[Lancelot and Egbert walk into the courtyard, filled with wounded and
weeping people...]
Guest 1: (in rage) THERE HE IS!
Egbert: Oh, bloody hell...
[The crowd surges once more and Lancelot again begins smashing his way
around until Egbert quiets them down. The "battle" music dies down
again...]
Lancelot: Oh, sorry... See what I mean, I just get carried away... Sorry...
Sorry... Sorry everyone...
Guest 1: HE'S KILLED THE BEST MAN!
Other Guests: [general moans "aaw...", turning to angry grumblings.]
Egbert: Hold it! Hold it! Please, hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the
court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my
special
guest here today.
Lancelot: Hello...
Guest 1: HE KILLED MY UNCLE!
Other Guests: [More angry grumbling.]
Egbert: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
Let's not
bicker and argue about who killed who... We are here today to
witness
the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his
death.
Other Guests: [Saddened groans.]
Egbert: But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as... gained a
daughter...
Other Guests: [Scattered applause]
Egbert: ...for, since the tragic death of her father...
Guest 2: He's not quite dead!
Egbert: ...since the near-fatal wounding of her father...
Guest 2: He's getting better!
Egbert: ...for, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover,
suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him...
[Father gasps once and dies]
Guest 2: He's dead!
Egbert: ...I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own Dad, in a
very
real, and legally binding sense.
Other Guests: [Back to scattered applause]
Egbert: And I feel sure that the merger, I mean union, between the princess,
and the brave but... dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot...
Lancelot: What?
Guest 2: Look! The dead prince!
Other Guests: [Joyful ooohs and aahs...]
Guest 1: He's not quite dead...
Herbert: No, I feel much better...
Egbert: You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Herbert: No, I was saved at the last minute...
Egbert: HOW?
Herbert: Well I'll tell you... [Different music starts up]
Egbert: Not like that! Not like that! NO! STOP IT! Shut up!
Other Guests: "He's going to tell! (He's going to tell)" in time to the
music, as though the movie had suddenly turned into a musical.
Concorde: Quickly, sir! Come this way!
Lancelot: No, it's not right for my idiom! I must escape... uh...
Concorde: (over the rising chorus of voices) Dramatically, sir?
Lancelot: Dramatically! Heave! [Hops on rope hanging from the wall and
swings out over the guests, but doesn't quite make it out, and
thus
begins to swing back and forth over the crowd...]
'Scuse me, uh... Could somebody give me a push?
SCENE 16: THE KNIGHTS OF NI (Part II) |
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Characters:
Arthur: Yes, we know he's King of the Britons, get on with it!
Bedevere: As in Sir Bedevere.
Knights of Ni: As in #1 (the leader) and #2 (someone who's not their leader)
Knights: The rest of the Knights of Ni.
Old Woman: The old crow at the start of the scene.
Roger: The Shrubber.
Robin: The Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir Lancelot.
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[The scene opens with the usual theme music, with Arthur and Bedevere in a
small village at the dwelling of an old woman.]
Arthur: Old crow... is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a
shrubbery? [Another ominous note sounds]
Old Woman: Who sent you?
Arthur: The Knights who say Ni.
Old Woman: No! No! We have no shrubberies here!
Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and
I will say... (pause) We will say... Ni.
Old Woman: AAAGH! Do your worst!
Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily... (big
pause) NI!
Old Woman: NO! Never! No shrubbery!
Arthur: NI!
Bedevere: NOOOO!
Arthur: No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's Ni.
Bedevere: Noo?
Arthur: No, no... Ni. You're not doing it properly...
Bedevere: N... Nnn... Ne... Ni... Ni! NI! NI!
Arthur: That's it! That's it, you've got it...
Arthur and Bedevere: NI! NI! NI!
Roger: Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?
Arthur: Umm... Yes.
Roger: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni", but
woe to old ladies... There is a pestilence upon this land,
nothing is
sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
considerable economic stress at this period in history...
Bedevere: Did you say shrubberies?
Roger: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger
the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
Bedevere: NI!
Arthur: No! No, no, no, no! [stops Bedevere]
[A little while later, back in the forest...]
Arthur: O, Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go
now?
Knight 1: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly... But
there is one small problem...
Arthur: What is that?
Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh...
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say...
"Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"
Therefore we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of... O Knights who 'till recently said
Ni?
Knight 1: Firstly, you must find... Another shrubbery! [The same note rings
out loudly]
Arthur: Not another shrubbery...
Knight 1: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here
beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-
level effect with a little path running down the middle...
Other Knights: Path! Path! Path!
Knight 1: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest... with... A herring!
[The now-familiar note plays once more]
Arthur: We shall do no such thing!
Knight 1: Oh, please...
Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!
[All Knights scream in agony]
Knight 1: Don't say that word!
Arthur: What word?
Knight 1: I cannot tell, suffice to say, is one of the words the Knights of
Ni cannot hear!
Arthur: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
[Again the Knights scream in agony]
Knight 1: AAAA! He said it again! AAAAAH! I was getting very far in life
life not saying it! [Still more screams]
[At this point, Sir Robin comes in with his minstrels still singing...]
Bedevere: My liege! It's Robin!
Minstrels: ...and taking it in and packing it up,
And sneaking away and buggering off,
And chickening out and pissing around...
Arthur: Sir Robin!
Robin: My liege! It's good to see you!
Knights: AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!
Arthur: I'm sure you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail...
Minstrels: He is sneaking away and buggering off...
Robin: Shut up!
[To Arthur] No, no, no! Far from it!
Knight 1: AAAAGH! You said the word again!
Robin: I was looking for it...
Knights: AAAARGGHHH!
Robin: ...uh, here, here in this forest...
Arthur: No, it is far from here...
Knights: OOOOOH! AARRGH! Stop saying the word!
Arthur: Oh, stop it!
Knights: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! You said it again! AAAH! I said
it! I said it! OOOOH! I said it again! AAAH! That's three
"it"s!
AAAGH!
[Arthur, Lancelot, and Robin, ride off, leaving the Knights of Ni in total
chaos...]
| SCENE 17: THE ENCHANTER |
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Characters:
Narrator: For the intro.
Arthur: As usual.
Party: The rest of the Party (Galahad, Lancelot, Robin, and Bedevere)
Tim: The Enchanter.
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Narrator: [This is of course done entirely to Pythonimation...]
And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search
to find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.
Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was
much rejoicing.
In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's
minstrels... and there was much rejoicing.
A year passed.
Winter changed into spring. Spring changed into summer. Summer
changed back into winter. And winter gave spring and summer a
miss and went straight on into autumn.
Until one day...
[Ah, here's our usual introductory theme, punctuated by an explosion or two
near the party.]
Arthur: Alright, forward!
[Nine more explosions rock the surrounding area, culminating in the arrival
of an enchanter...]
Arthur: What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint
or tinder?
Tim: I... am an ehchanter...
Arthur: By what name are you known?
Tim: There are some who call me... Tim.
Arthur: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter!
Tim: Greetings, King Arthur!
Arthur: You know my name?
Tim: I do! [Another explosion rocks a nearby hill] You seek the Holy
Grail!
Arthur: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
Tim: Quite... [BLAM!]
Arthur: Yes... we're... we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to
find the Holy Grail.
Party: Yes, uh yes, that's it... Yup...
Arthur: And so we're, we're... we're looking for it.
Bedevere: We have been for some time!
Party: Oh, yes... A long time... Ages... Mmm. Yes...
Arthur: And so, uh... anything you could do... to help... would be...
very...
helpful...
Lancelot: Look. Can you tell us where... [BLAM!]
Arthur: Fine. I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh... I
don't suppose you could tell us where we might find a, um... find
a... uh...
Tim: A what?
Arthur: A g... a g... a... a...
Tim: A GRRRRRAIL????
Arthur: Yes... I think so...
Party: Yes... yes... uh-huh...
Tim: YES!!!
Party: Oh... Oh, thank you. Fine. Thanks... Splendid... [BLAM!!!]
Arthur: Look, uh, you're a busy man...
Tim: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail... To the north their lies a
cave. The Cave of Kyre-banoch, wherein, carved in mystic runes upon
the very living rock, the last words of Olfwin Beduire of Reggits...
[BLAM!] ...make plain the last resting place of the most holy Grail...
Arthur: Where could we find this cave?
Tim: Follow! (pause) BUT follow only if ye be men of valour, for the
entrance of this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that
no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of 450 men lie strewn
about its lair, so, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your
strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big
pointy teeth!
Arthur: What an eccentric performance...
| SCENE 18: THE HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH |
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Characters:
Arthur: King of the Britons, eh?
Party: The rest of the Party (Galahad, Lancelot, Robin, and Bedevere)
Boris: One of the Expendable Cast Members. We'll need more though.
Tim: The Enchanter.
Maynard: Brother Maynard, who reads from the Book of Armaments...
Assistant: And his assistant, who carries the Holy Hand Grenade.
Narrator: Someone to narrate at the end of the scene.
Cartoonist: Someone to have a fatal heart attack and say "AAWK!"
...and one white rabbit.
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[Party clops up to the mouth of the cave, about which are strewn the bones
of many men... The "horses" stop and whinny, getting "spooked"...]
Lancelot: They're nervous, Sire.
Arthur: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. DISMOUNT!
Tim: Behold the Cave of Kyre-banoch!
Arthur: Right. Keep me covered...
Bedevere: What with?
Arthur: Just keep me covered.
Tim: Too late!
Arthur: What?
Tim: There he is...
Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim: It IS the rabbit!
Arthur: You silly sot!
Tim: What?
Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-
tempered rodent you've ever set eyes on!
Robin: You kitch! I wet my armor, I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treatment...
Arthur: Oh yeah?
Boris: You manky Scotch git!
Tim: I'm warning you...
Boris: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... he can leap about... LOOK AT THE BONES!
Arthur: Go on, Boris, chop his head off.
Boris: Right - silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
[As he approaches the rabbit, it jumps up, lands on his neck, and rips his
throat out. Boris screams in agony and expires a few seconds later.]
Lancelot: Jesus Christ!
Tim: I warned you!
Robin: I've done it again...
Tim: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you know, didn't you?
Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well it's always the
same, I always say... I always tell them but do they listen to me?
No...
Arthur: OH SHUT UP! CHAAAARGE!
[Party charges the rabbit and gets the shit beaten out of them]
Party: Run away! Run away! Run away!
[The survivors return to their hiding place.]
Arthur: Now how many did we lose?
Lancelot: Gawaine, Hector...
Arthur: ...and Boris. That's five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
Arthur: Three, three. So we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that
rabbit's dynamite.
Robin: Will it... help to confuse it if we run away more?
Arthur: Shut up and go and change your armor.
Robin: Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a
mistake.
Arthur: Like what?
Robin: Well... (long embarassed pause)
Arthur: Have we got bows?
Lancelot: No... We have the Holy Hand Grenade!
Arthur: Yes of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! It's one of the
sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him.
Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: Die Jesu domine,
Dona eis requiem...
Die Jesu domine,
Dona eis requiem...
[Maynard and his assistant come forward with the monks, carrying the Holy
Hand Grenade of Antioch on a pillow.]
Arthur: How does it uhm... How does it work?
Assistant: I know not, my liege.
Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!
Maynard: Armaments, Chapter 2, vs. 9 to 21...
Assistant: ...and Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying...
O Lord, bless this, thy Hand Grenade, that with it thou mayst
blow
thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs,
and sloths, and carp, and lima beans, and orangutans, and
breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and lice...
Maynard: Skip a bit, brother...
Assistant: And the Lord spake, saying:
First shalt thou take out the holy pin.
Then thou shalt count to three. No more. No less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of thy
counting shall be three.
Four shalt thou not count, nor shalt thou count two, excepting
that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out!
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then
lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at thy foe, who,
being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Maynard: Amen.
All monks: Amen.
Arthur: Right. [pulling out pin] One... Two... Five!
Galahad: Three, sir!
Arthur: Three! [throws grenade]
[BLAM! The rabbit, being naughty in the Lord's sight, does indeed, snuff it.
Cautiously the party enters the cave.]
Arthur: There! Look!
Lancelot: What does it say?
Galahad: What language is that? Brother Maynard, you're our scholar...
Maynard: It's Aramaic!
Galahad: Of course! Joseph of Arimithea!
Lancelot: Of course! What does it say!
Maynard: It says "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimithea.
He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the
castle of... AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"
Arthur: What?
Maynard: The castle of... AAARRRRGGGHHHH!
Arthur: What is that?
Maynard: He must've died while carving it.
Lancelot: Oh, come on...
Maynard: Well that's what it says.
Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Argh", he'd just
say it!
Maynard: Well that's what's carved in the rock!
Galahad: Perhaps he was dictating?
Maynard: Oh, shut up!
Arthur: Well does it say anything else?
Maynard: No! Just AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
Lancelot: AAAARRRRGGGHHHH?
Bedevere: Do you suppose he meant the Camalllllllllll?
Maynard: Where's that?
Bedevere: In France, I think...
Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint Aaaaagggh in Cornwall?
Maynard: Oh, that's an Ives.
Lancelot: Oh yes...
Party: (mulling the words over) IIIiiives...
Bedevere: OOOOooOOOO!
Lancelot: No, no, AAARRGGGHHH, the back of the throat...
Bedevere: No, no, no, Oooooo in surprise and alarm.
Lancelot: Oh, you mean sort of an AAAH!
Bedevere: Yes, that's right. AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Arthur: MY GOD! [Finally sees what Bedevere's alarmed about.]
Maynard: It's the Legendary Black Beast of AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!
Party: Run away! Run away! Run away!
[A cute Pythonimation segment here with the Beast chasing them through
the castle...]
Narrator: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur
and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator
suffered a fatal heart attack!
Cartoonist: AAWK! [Thud. Beast seizes up, loses all color, and vanishes.]
Narrator: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could
continue...
| SCENE 19: THE GORGE OF ETERNAL PERIL |
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Characters:
Arthur and the rest of the party (Galahad, Robin, Lancelot, Bedevere, etc...)
Keeper: The Old Man from Scene 24 (13 in this version), aka the
Bridgekeeper.
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[Sound Effects: Glooping sounds like those of a lava pit]
Galahad: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
Robin: Oh, Great...
Arthur: Look! There's the Old Man from Scene 24!
Galahad: What's he doing here?
Arthur: He is the Keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller
five
questions...
Galahad: Three questions!
Arthur: Three questions. He who answers the five questions...
Galahad: Three questions!
Arthur: ...three questions, may cross in safety.
Robin: What if you get a question wrong?
Arthur: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!
Robin: Oh, I won't go...
Arthur: Who's gonna answer the questions? (pause) Sir Robin!
Robin: Yes?
Arthur: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
Robin: Hey, I've got a great idea... Why doesn't Lancelot go?
Lancelot: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall
make a feint to the northeast, and then...
Arthur: No, no... Hang on... Just answer the five questions...
Galahad: Three questions!
Arthur: ...three questions as best you can. And we shall watch and pray.
Lancelot: I understand, my liege.
Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot! God be with you!
[Lancelot steps out onto the bridge...]
Keeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these
questions three, 'ere the other side he see...
Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper! I am not afraid!
Keeper: WHAT... is your name?
Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Keeper: WHAT... is your quest?
Lancelot: I seek the Holy Grail!
Keeper: WHAT... is your favorite color?
Lancelot: Blue!
Keeper: (cheerfully) Fine... Off ya go...
Lancelot: Oh, thank you... Thank you very much...
[Sir Lancelot crosses the bridge.]
Robin: THAT'S EASY! [Makes for the bridge.]
Keeper: STOP! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these
questions three, 'ere the other side he see...
Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper, I'm not afraid...
Keeper: WHAT... is your name?
Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Keeper: WHAT... is your quest?
Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Keeper: WHAT... is the capital of Assyria?
Robin: I don't know that! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......
[Sir Robin flies straight up off the bridge about 50 feet before plummetting
down into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. The scream just fades out since
it's a
bottomless gorge.]
Keeper: STOP! WHAT... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Keeper: WHAT... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Keeper: WHAT... is your favourite color?
Galahad: Blue... No, yellow! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........
[Arthur approaches the Bridge]
Keeper: STOP! WHAT... is your name?
Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Keeper: WHAT... is your quest?
Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Keeper: WHAT... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Arthur: What do you mean, an African or European swallow?
Keeper: Huh? I don't know that! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........
Bedevere: How do you know so much about swallows?
Arthur: Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know...
[They cross the bridge in safety...]
| SCENE 20: INTERMISSION |
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Characters:
One Organ Player.
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[Tune starts. If you saw the movie, you'll know it. Hum along and enjoy...]
[Tune ends. Stop humming now.]
| SCENE 21: THE CASTLE ARGH |
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Characters:
Arthur: King of the Britons and Victim of French Taunts.
Bedevere: His last Knight, as they're looking for Lancelot.
Guard: The French Guard from Scene 7 ("I Fart in your General
Direction!")
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[Arthur and Bedevere are now on the other side of the Bridge of Death,
looking for Lancelot.]
Arthur: Lancelot? Lancelot! Lancelot!
Bedevere: Lancelot! Lancelot!
Arthur: Lancelot!
[Brief switch to show Lancelot getting busted by the cops for the murder of
Frank, the narrator of the historical documentary, killed in Scene 10.]
Bedevere: Lancelot!
Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot!
[Angelic music plays, revealing a vision of the Grail. Arthur and
Bedevere find
a dragon-headed boat which takes them across the misty waters of a small
lake,
landing on a small island on which stands a castle...]
Arthur: The Castle Argh! Our quest is at an end!
[Standing in awe...]
God be praised!
[Kneeling in prayer...]
Almighty God, we thank thee that thou hast...
[SPROING! A sheep comes sailing over the castle wall...]
Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Guard: 'Allo, daffy English k-nnnighuts and monsieur Arthur-king who has the
brain of a duck, you know... SO! We French fellows outclever you a second
time!
Arthur: (outraged) HOW DARE YOU profane this place with your presence! I
command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this
sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
Guard: As you English say, one more time, I unplug my nose in your
direction, sons-of-a-window-dresser! So you think you could
outwit us
French folk with your silly knees-bent, running about advancing
behaviour! I
wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheezy load of second-hand
electric
donkey-bottom diapers!
Arthur: [pounding on the door] IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, WE DEMAND
ENTRANCE TO
THIS SACRED CASTLE!
Guard: No chance, English bed-wetting types! I burst my pimples at you and
call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny- brained wipers of
other
peoples' bottoms!
Arthur: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[The French dump a pile of shit on him]
Arthur: IN THE NAME OF GOD AND THE GLORY OF OUR...
[The French dump more shit on him]
Arthur: RIGHT! THAT SETTLES IT!
Guard: Yes! This time your mouths'll be silent, ya won't be approachin'
anymore... while we fire ours on the tops of your heads and make
castanets out
of your testicles already!
Arthur: Walk away. Just ignore them.
Guard: No, remain there, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And if ya
think ya
got a nasty taunting this time, we've done nothing yet, ya daffy English
conniggits!
[Dejected, Arthur and Bedevere walk through the waters back, listening to the
French taunting.]
| SCENE 22: THE END |
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Characters:
Arthur: Soon to be Ex-King of the Britons.
Bedevere: His one remaining knight.
Army: His army of footsoldiers.
Wife: The wife of Frank, the historian killed in Scene 8.
Officers: Various policemen, making arrests of Knights...
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Arthur: We shall attack at once!
Bedevere: Yes, my liege!
Arthur: Stand by for attack!
[Marching music plays as Arthur summons his army from around the hills.
There's LOTS of 'em, all ready and poised for battle...]
Arthur: FRENCH PERSONS! Today the blood of many a valiant Knight shall be
avenged. We shall not stop our fight 'till each one of you lies dead,
and the
Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
IN THE NAME OF GOD, CHAAAARRRRGGGEEE!!!!
[The army sweeps across the countryside, towards the Castle Argh, where
they are abruptly stopped by a swarm of police cars and officers who start
busting them all...]
Wife: ...it's those ones, I'm sure!
Officers: ...Get back right away... Listen, call it off...
...Come on, come on...
This one... Yes, this one... [indicating Arthur]
Put him in the van... [indicating Bedevere]
...Put that away, that's an offensive weapon, that is!
...Alright, sonny, that's enough, just pack that in...
[Hand covers lens of camera. Thud.]
| THE END |
.