The Gothic Intelligence Test

Yes/No Questions

Are you a vampYre?
Do you aspire to be one?
Do you have fake vampire teeth?
Real vampire teeth?
How much do you think the toothfairy would give you for them?
Do you like to drink blood?
Do you like to drink drinks that look like blood?
Do you listen to London After Midnight?
Do you think their lyrics are deep and insightful?
Would you take a walk with me, down to the cemetry-hee-hee?
Do you have a major in college?
Do you even GO to college?
Do you at least have a job?
Is it at kinkos?
Do you live at home w/ mom so you can spend more money on clothes/drugs?
Do you sit around and talk about how "gothic/mopey/depressed/oppressed" you are?
Do you make Morrissey look cheerful?
Could you depress a Disney Animation movie?
Do you refuse all roses unless they are black?
Do you wear 20 eyes to take out the garbage?
Have you seen the sun at anytime in the past few days/weeks/months/years (please specify which if any)
Do you refer to non-goths as "mortals"?
Are you a satanist?
Do you aspire to be a satanist?
Do you like it when people believe you are a satanist?
Do you join gothic mailing lists and post intros like : "Hi!!! My name is Darkness!!! I like cats and clubs and I'm a satanist!!!"?
Do you post things like "me too!" to alt.gothic at least 20 times a day?
Do you practice being spooky?
Do you like it when people find you spooky?
Do you carry around and dance with an object such as a fan, or set of silver balls?
Have you ever used a line like "Would you like to get evil with me tonight?" or "Do you want to know where I'm pierced?"
Do you think Lestat should play Convergence?
Have you ever dated a member of Christ|Analogue? {whoops I guess we lose on that one}
Do you have a "cool" nickname such as Raven or Voron?
Did you legally change your name to your "cool" nickname?
Do you tell people that have blond hair to "get out of the club - you're BLOND!"?
Did you leave the NYC Switchblade Symphony show after 5 minutes because "Tina and Susan look like ravers - oh my GOD!"?
Do you have a $70 coffin purse?
Do you wear electric tape as clothing?
Do you argue with others about who wore electric tape first?
Did you sign up to go to Antarctica with Valor's clan?
Do you take stupid things like this way too seriously?

Fill in the Blank/Short Answer Questions

Bela Lugosi is _____________. [hint : if you say "dead" - we'll kill you]
How exactly do you dance nyjnsky style?
How do you know, poseur!

Multiple Choice Questions

1: "That is not dead which can eternal lie..." a: but with the right amount of speed, even the dead can have a good time." b: and with strange aeons, even death may die." c: and the people I've met lie a lot!" d: so who spilled this ketchup on my dress?"

2: "Alice pressed against the wall so she can see the door, in case the laughing strangers crawl... a: and forget this lost Lenore" b: crush the petals on the floor." c: passed out right beside my door." d: get these ketchup stains off my dress."

3: The ... Mr. Lovegrove a: Ambitious b: Ubiquitous c: Silly Old Fart d: Man Who Spilled Ketchup on my Dress,

4: "It's always the same, you're jumping someone else's... a: candlestick b: train c: twin d: dress

5: Strap On is the nickname for ... a: Andrew Eldritch b: Peter Pan goth c: my sister d: Mr. Lovegrove

6) "What light through yonder window breaks" refers to... a) that which we all fear: the sun. b) Juliet c) a hangover d) that which we should fear: Juliet's father awakening

7) "In nomine pater, et filii, et spiritu sanctum" means ... a) always faithful b) in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit c) i'm on the internet d) are you guys death chicks(tm)?

8) In the Scarlet Letter, Hester Prynne is forced to wear a red "A" because... a) She posted a newbie post to alt.gothic b) she had sex (oh no!) out of wedlock (for shame!) c) her nickname was Alf d) she slept with Strap On

9) Situation: You're watching a bad porn movie in which some farm bimbo is screwing the local hands. You... a) turn it off because this is a Xian household and you have morals to uphold! b) yell "one plus one is two" and giggle feverishly. c) wait desperately for the scene where Granpapy shoots that poor guy d) exclaim loudly "I hate French movies!"

Our thanks to Vlad for coming up with some of these questions. As a result, Vlad is now an honorary member of Wombat Vengeance. Don't you wish you were him? Of course you do.