Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 12:03:46 -0500 (EST)
From: Ken Nagle
Subject: Re: Descent.


Oh, I know about the office. My spies have been keeping your spies busy with the illusion that you are progressing in your plans for world domination. But the entire time, I have been progressing my own agenda for world domination. You know that little problem in Bosnia? WRONG! THERE IS NO BOSNIA! Bosnia is something I've been leaking to my fully controlled Associated Press, and now every paper keeps printing articles about it. Everyone has been so busy looking for the non-existant country of Bosnia on the maps that they have failed to notice my other, far-reaching programs, including:

- The Million Man March.

You all thought Calypso Lou set that up? WRONG! I replaced Louis Farrakhan with an android under my control, and he organised the march in order for me to be able to fit the marchers with my specially patented mind control chip (remote control until sold seperately). Be on the lookout for the Million Woman March, the Million Kid March, the March to the Scaffold, the Wedding March, and the Million Guys Named Bob Who Don't Know What SPAM(TM) Is March.

- The OJ Trial. Anything Involving Princess Di. Ovalteen Commercials.

I used this as another useful distraction, which allowed me to prepare Phase Three (see below). I also used footage to send out subliminal messages to encourage people to buy spandex, which, as you will see, fits into my overall plans.......

- Spandex Plan (Phase Three)

With everyone wearing spandex (see above), thousands of people will be distracted and quite sickened when they see extremely overweight people in spandex, leading to more distraction. Think of Roseanne in spandex, then try to imagine anything else. See how well it works! Now imagine actually seeing this on TV! Diabolical......

- Big Ben (Phase Four)

Now, having distracted most of the world, I am going to use one of Pinky and the Brain's infamous plans and paralyze all of England. Yes, I am going to freeze the hands of Big Ben at Tea Time, forcing all of England into an eternal Tea Time, during which I will be able to take full control of their nuclear missiles and such. With the power of England on my side, I can move onto my next and final phase:

- The Destruction of France

By launching all the nuclear warheads in my disposal at France, I will have assured their complete destruction. The world will suddenly acknowledge me as a savior, because *everyone* knows that the French are rude and care about nothing but ther French. I shall be elected new world leader, and shall order that everyone should have ice cream with Magic Shell(tm) each Sunday night. This will appease the masses and keep them from revolting, because they will share a common bond with everyone else in the world, while the elite will not seek to overthrow me because I shall give them the nice ice cream flavors like Hagen Daaz and Breyers, while the masses will get those cheapo boxes. I shall keep power structures intact yet make everyone happy, except of course the French who refuse to be happy anyways. That's why I killed them.....

And then....
No, put me down. I don't wanna go in the van. No. Stop. Stop. I don't wanna go back to the sanitarium......
Vlad